The dictionary definition of narcissism is “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.”

I wouldn’t necessarily say that my picture would be there next to definition if you were thumbing through Webster’s, but these first four years back in Haiti have been a steep learning curve for me.

What got my mind thinking about this was something posted online by another missionary from Cambodia. I tried to track down its origin, but I found it several places referred to as:

— A Narcissist’s Creed —

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did…
You deserved it.

My dad always said, “If you can’t say ‘Amen’ say ‘Ouch.'”

Ouch

I went from homeschooling my kids and being a stay at home dad to being the executive director of an org pushing 100 employees. And only a handful of those employees spoke my first language of English. Leadership is hard, and honestly, it is hard in any context. However, leadership on the mission field is difficult to navigate and avoid falling into a rut of narcissism. And like an old professor of mine used to tell me, a rut is just a grave with the ends knocked out of it. Which seems an appropriate picture since it can kill our zeal, our effectiveness, our joy, and our hope.

What makes this exceptionally dangerous is that, as mission leaders, we are often blind to our narcissistic tendencies. Too often there is inadequate oversight/ accountability. People often assume we are okay in our host country because we were okay in our country of origin. But the fact is, we aren’t in Kansas anymore. We convince ourselves no one else understands the challenges we face and the problems we have to solve. The work we do is so impossible and important, so we are quick to make excuses for ourselves. There is a lot of chaos and confusion, differences of values and priorities, varying cultural expectations, and in the midst of grasping for straws trying to feel like you have control, it is simple to blame shift and avoid responsibility.

But some wise leadership advice I once heard still rings true. “As a leader, you get what you create or what you allow.” I think about this frequently, and it helps remind me of the responsibility entrusted to me by God and others.

We often think about how culture is impacting our kids, our churches, our societies. How often do we think of how we are creating and influencing culture in our community, our body of believers, our organizations, our families? It is worth considering, and we must have a healthy measure of humility and self-awareness to do so.

Let us turn to the one who searches our hearts and knows us well and ask our God to reveal our blind spots, turn our hearts, and change our ways. Perpetually establishing my own authority and wielding it to remind others I am in charge fans the flame of narcissism, no matter how altruistic the ultimate outcome might seem. The reminder that I want to continually put before my wife, our kids, and those we work with at RHFH (and myself!) is that God is in control.

I believe, help my unbelief.