It does not get any easier to bury a child that has died. There are some days that it gets harder.
Nerenel had been with us for 8 months. His dad brought him into the clinic and told us he did not want to eat. He was swollen with kwashiorkor and was very sick. He was admitted that day. His dad has been coming back every 15 days to see him since then. When he comes to visit he always stays for 4 to 5 hours and talks and plays with Nerenel. Some parents come and stay for less than 5 minutes and are ready to go – not Nerenel’s dad. He was a very good dad and he loved his son. Over the last 8 months Nerenel did get better at times. He had months where he was running around and playing with the other kids and seemed to be in the “going to live now” stage of his care. Then he would always fall back and refuse to eat or drink. His kwashiorkor would quickly return. His dad told us last week that he knew Nerenel was going to die. That made me sad that he had given up hope.
We tried several different rounds of medications and many different things to try and get him better. But he did not get better, he only got worse. The last week of his life was very painful for him. He had many places on his body where the skin had come off. It was raw skin and it hurt him to just touch him in the smallest way. It was hard to comfort him. It was hard to see him suffer. We loved him and we tried everything that we could think of to help him. It did not work. He did not make it. I have learned over the years to not let myself attach to the kids. It makes it to difficult to get through each day. I would not be able to continue here if I did. I love them all and want the best for them but at times I do not feel.
Each of these papers (below) represent a child that had died in our care since 2005. I did not keep records of the deaths from 1999-2004. So there are many more than this. How do we do it? How can we continue? I get asked these questions a lot. I do not know the answers to them. I just do it. Because if I (we) do not then who will? What other crazy person is going to want to move out here in the middle of nowhere. Not to many. So we keep pecking away at it. Trying each and every day to show Jesus to those we come in contact with.
Nerenel died Saturday morning at 6:50am. I saw him last at around 1am. I told the nannies to call me when he was near death. They sat with him all night. He talked to them and asked for a drink of water about 1 minute before he died. When they called me and said “Nerenel pa bon” (Nernel is not good), I knew that he was almost dead. I ran down the stairs. He was in the dressing room with about 5 staff members. He was not breathing, but his heart was still beating. I wanted to push everyone out of the way and see if there was anything that could be done, but I didn’t. A few of the staff members had laid their hands on him to comfort him. We waited until his heart stopped beating. Each person was given a task to do. One had to get the burial clothes. One has to find the person to make the casket. One took the dirty clothes away. I was left with Nerenel to give him a bath and get him dressed for burial. I was sad and I cried. I wanted him to live. I wanted him to get better. I wanted him to grow into a strong little boy. I wanted his dad to return and see him well. I wanted him to go home to his family. None of that happened. He was dead. He needed to be bathed and buried that day. There was no time to think about it.
There were patients waiting to enter the room where we were so I do what I have done hundreds of times. I got my little basin of water and my bar of soap. I undressed him and gave him a bath. I washed off all the skin that was peeling off his body. I removed the feeding tube. I cleaned his ears and nose out. I put a clean diaper on him and put powder on him. I dressed him. I fixed his body to take a picture – the picture that we would give his dad when he came back for his next visit. Fail. I failed again. That is what I was feeling. I wrapped his body in a blue piece of plastic and left it on the table. He was buried that afternoon.
Some days are easy and some days are hard. Saturday was a hard day.
There will be better ones. Other kids will recover. They will go home healed and well. They will run and play and live.
Comments(13)
Sara Rudolph says
October 4, 2011 at 9:12 amI wish there was something I could say to comfort all of you. Words can’t do it. Prayers are being said…tears are being shared… hugs to all. Thank you for strving on and continuing to be there for the people. It takes an amazing amount of strength to go thru the daily jobs you do… I pray you will continue to be able to do so.
Tena says
October 4, 2011 at 9:33 amYou all are such a blessing to these kids! You never fail….to love, to care for, and do your best for than all! I wish I was back there with you all! God bless you.
Kathy says
October 4, 2011 at 12:39 pmSo sorry for this loss. But praise God, it’s heaven’s gain and it’s not the end of life but only the beginning.
Amy says
October 4, 2011 at 2:29 pmOh Licia,
I’m so very sorry that has to happen, and that it did happen. Thank you for putting it out there for us “sheltered” people so we can at least get a glimpse into what life is like for you in Haiti.
Just a question, when a child passes away do you attempt to contact the family so they can bury the child? When Nerenel’s father comes to visit again will he upset (well, obviously he will be) that he didn’t get to see his son and bury him? I’m just trying to see more of the picture.
Love and prayers to you all!
~Amy in WI
Licia says
October 4, 2011 at 2:53 pmI do make an attempt to contact the family. Most live 6 to 8 hours away from the clinic. That is a one way trip, so when they do not have phones it is almost impossible to get ahold of them within the short amount of time we have before we have to bury them. When they are admitted to the RC we have forms that we fill out and on of the question is “Can we bury your child without you being here” 99% of the time the parents say “yes”. If they say no them we try and have a contact person here in Cazale that we can get ahold of. It might be a aunt, uncle or friend of the family and then they can give the okay. If I cannot get ahold of anyone and they have said no to burial then I contact the local judge and he makes a paper that gives me the right to bury the child.
Most of the kids that are admitted are so sick anyways that the parents know that the have a higher chance of dying than living and I tell them that when they are admitted. Many families cannot afford the cost of burial as well and they are very appreciative of us taking care of this cost for them. It cost an average of $3.75 to bury a child. We have one guys that digs all the graves for us and I pay him for this. I also have a man in the village that makes the simple caskets for the kids. The kids are then buried in the local graveyard. There is not a place for kids there so they dig the holes between the adult graves. This is something that we hope to have on our new land when we build. A graveyard for the kids from the RC. For kids that are smaller many do not understand why I have a casket made. Most are buried in a cardboard box and not even in the graveyard.
Hope that helps you to understand some. Thank you for asking, praying and wanting to understand. I appreciate that so much.
Nerenel’s dad was of course upset but knew that he was very ill. He was thankful to us for all that we had done.
dawn says
October 4, 2011 at 6:22 pmOh Licia… 🙁
Nicole says
October 4, 2011 at 7:55 pmI cant imagine what you and the others go through, what the kids and their families go through. Thank you for standing strong when everything in you wants to fall apart. Thank you for loving them.
Diane says
October 4, 2011 at 8:47 pmThank you so much for sharing. Tears are streaming and my heart is hurting. I want you to know how much I appreciate reading and learning from your blog.
Love & prayers from Canada.
beth says
October 4, 2011 at 9:18 pmI’m so sorry for this dad’s loss. And for yours. What a horrible thing to have to experience. God’s really given you a ministry of extremes- helping people live and watching them die. It’s so inspiring and humbling how all of you at RHFH accept this mission. Your blog and photos are also a ministry to us on the outside. Thank you for reminding us all the time, even when youre hurting, that the kids you heal and the kids on those sheets of paper are real- they all have names and people who love them and every single one deserves a chance to grow up. God bless you. God bless Nerenel.
Amy says
October 5, 2011 at 8:52 amLicia…thank you so much for the additional information. It really helps me put into perspective what you go through. I pray that some day I will get to meet you in person and see the good (and bad) at RHFH. Loving you and praying for you from Wisconsin…always!
~Amy
Bekki says
October 5, 2011 at 11:01 pmLicia and Lori – consider yourselves hugged HARD. Thank you for doing what most of us cannot do. thank you for giving of yourselves no matter the cost. Thank you for sharing Jesus’ love with ‘the least of these my bretheren’.
Nancy Overholt says
October 10, 2011 at 7:52 pmOur little foster son ,Andrew died last December.We had him from birth. Perhaps the two little boys are playing together in heaven… Andrew was almost 3. Isn’t heaven wonderful for all these little ones that suffered so much here on earth ?
Licia says
October 11, 2011 at 7:33 amSo wonderful! That is what I have to hold onto most day. They are not suffering, they are healed and well, running and playing and in the arms of Jesus.